Dream Destination: Freshman Year Onwards

When everyone else around you is in a relationship you begin to wonder how you’re the only one who’s not so gayly in love. Everyone around me seems to just be with someone and I am here wondering what exactly I’m supposed to do. The conclusion I have come to is sorta one which goes in a way that if life gives you lemons make lemonade. If everyone else has something which has them so preoccupied maybe it’s time to occupy myself with something. And as always the thing to occupy myself with is well school. The biggest thing I think I lack is maybe sticking to my self motivation. I set goals for myself constantly but it seems like I always lose out to self indulgence. Well maybe getting past one thing at a time maybe the smartest idea. Goal one holding myself responsible enough to make the rite decision between having fun and being absolutely lazy. Let’s see. I can do it. 

After recently talking to friend I have come to realize how much I have changed since I entered college. My GPA is sub-par and I’m not the person I used to be. School used to be priority number one and lately it seems as if I have let down my expectations and that I’m so far from even grasping onto what I wished to achieve. I feel like lately that’s been the only thing on my mind: My Failure. However the only way I will grow beyond it is if I learn to see my faults and reprimand myself to not make the same mistakes in the future. I’ve always had high expectations for myself however I seem to be letting myself down. I have come to realize that I should of taken the advice of my parents on a more serious notes. They have always warned me that in the company of friends and in a world with more freedom my judgement will be impaired and I won’t make the best decisions for myself and I don’t think I ever truly understood the meaning of their advice until very recently. In attempts to “live up” my college experience I have jeopardized my entire future. I still want to be a doctor. I will be a doctor. No matter what actions I have to take in the future. I will achieve my goals no matter how had I am reacquired to work from now until the end. I will be the person I wanna see myself as. I will become what I strive to be. 

The end to freshman year is so close. And fucking up this year has been the biggest mistake of my life. Writing is becoming an outlet and needs to stay one. Watching Grey’s Anatomy is the new addiction of my life and Addison Montgomery Sheppard is my new role model. sorta. I want to succeed. I want to see myself reach the height which I know somewhere deep inside of myself that I am able to reach it. It would be unfair to not only to my family but to myself. I need to achieve every goal which I have set for myself. I am only what I believe I can be and you know what I think I can be the best damn thing. I owe it to myself to try and be the best and know that failure is not an option. FAILURE is only an option when if I allow it to be. The path to recovery begins only where i allow it to begin. Taking a note from the fictional Dr. Addison I want to take on everything with my best foot forward and be the damn best at whatever I want to do. I ow this to myself. 

Hope. It’s the only thing which can keep me going. The only thing at this point. How many times will I get to this point until I finally realize that I need to just do what I need to do. Doing my damn best at this University I will end up with a 3.7 GPA, and I’m not going to accept less than that. We’re no longer pre-schoolers not even high-schoolers. There is no one to hold our hand along the way. The hope needs to come from within. The medical journey is an excruciating one. The only way to go through with it is to have hope and belief in yourself, in your skills, in your ability to stay committed, and in your own will. Despite it all, despite the carelessness, despite the stupidity, despite the lack on judgement in decisions, I still have hope and I want to document the journey from now until I can call myself a doctor, a healer. This is my commitment to myself to document my journey, to document this extraordinary journey. I will win and if not i will come out as a better person. 

“Many students have difficulties adjusting to academic life, but if you take immediate action,you can still achieve a successful outcome.  If you are a returning student and had academic difficulties last semester as well, it is even more critical that you seek help now, to avoid further negative impact on your academic record. Please note you will be placed on academic probation if your cumulative grade point average (GPA) falls below 2.0.  This probationary status is accompanied by the posting of deficit points, and you will place yourself in danger of academic dismissal, which will occur if you accumulate 13 or more deficit points.” 

NEED TO STEP UP MY GAME ASAP

CANNOT BELIEVE I LET MYSELF GET TO THIS POINT 

A new beginning. I have promised myself this numerous times before however have failed myself repeatedly. This is it. This is my chance to build my path to my childhood dream. It’s time to buckle down and get serious. Nothing can stand between me and my shot at medical school now. This is it. As hard and ridiculous this journey may be, I promise myself at this moment that I will be committed to my goal 110% nothing is going serve as a barrier in my way. I’m hoping to find my inner motivation through this blog. I can do it.